I haven’t posted in a few days, I’ve been going through a lot lately. It feels like I’ve been taking blow after blow from every direction, and I just can’t seem to fight them off. It’s taking so much energy to remain strong and I don’t think I can’t do it anymore.
Today hasn’t been the greatest of days. I’ve had severe anxiety for as long as I can remember dating back to middle school, and I also have horrible agoraphobia. Most people know what anxiety is, it’s pretty much common sense. But knowledge of agoraphobia is not as common.
Agoraphobia is an anxiety disorder that often develops after one or more panic attacks. Symptoms include fear and avoidance of places and situations that might cause feelings of panic, entrapment, helplessness, or embarrassment.
Today, my boyfriend and I went to a get together at one of his family members homes. It wasn’t too far, just about an hour or so away. And I’ve met most of the family members that were there already, but there were a few who I hadn’t yet met being as though we’ve only been dating for a couple of months.
Although I love his family and they have been so welcoming of my daughter and I since first meeting me, I still can’t help but have issues controlling my anxiety when I’m around them. I’m not a fan of crowds, I prefer one on one time with my boyfriend, or even small groups of like five people I can usually manage. But large groups make me fear that I’ll lose control, and my level of anxiety forces me to need some form of control over my environment.
Well today, it was a graduation party for his cousin who just completed her undergraduate schooling. His family is very close knit and very affectionate, lots of hugs and pictures and hand holding goes on. I admire that about them, but it still triggers me. So I had a few moments today where I had to excuse myself to the bathroom because I was having panic attacks. One time in particular was when his cousins were playing with my daughter; my mind was racing 200 thoughts a minute! My boyfriend knows about my anxiety and has been very supportive of me, especially when I need it most. When he realized I took off, he came after me and hugged me until he could feel that my heartbeat had slowed down.
Normally, someone hugging me during a panic attack would only make it worse, but for some reason, he puts me at ease. Being with him is enough to make me feel like I don’t need my anxiety medication. He makes me feel safe, he makes me feel loved, and being around him gives me a sense of security. Don’t get me wrong, I still get extremely anxious in certain situations even with him around, but he definitely eases that.
Sometimes I feel like my illness holds me back from doing some of the things I think I’d enjoy. I don’t like to party or go clubbing, I literally have two friends, and my job requires a lot of networking. I have learned to cover my anxiety, so if you were to see me in person one day, it wouldn’t be super easy to tell how much I’m dying inside because I put on a brave face. But if you look closely you will see the lack of eye contact, my fidgety hands, my leg bouncing when I’m sitting down, and maybe even the way I stumble over my words and occasionally stutter a bit.
I admire the way that my boyfriend takes care of me, but I am sometimes afraid that I’ll become too dependent on him. I’m sure that fear is at least partially due to my anxiety, but from what I’ve been through in the past I believe it is a valid fear. Each day I find myself closer to being able to confidently say that I am in love with this man, and each day I also get more and more afraid of being in love with him. If only I possessed the same confidence that I love so much about him, things would be so much easier.
Maybe one day I’ll make a post about daily life with anxiety, specifically social anxiety, but I don’t want to combine that with this post because I know it’d be ridiculously long. If anyone has any questions about what it’s like suffering from anxiety and agoraphobia, please feel free to comment here and I’ll do my best to answer them all in my next post. Be blessed!😇👸🏽😌
With each day that passes, I learn more and more about myself. The last year of my life, I’ve been focused on trying to figure out who I am, what I want, and why I am currently in the position of life that I’m in. What led me to this point? What decisions did I make that got me here? What decisions could I have made to land me in a different, more satisfying place of life?
I’m sure that everyone wonders where they could be in life and what they could’ve done differently. As I watch everyone that I went to school with reach different points in their lives, I can’t help but to be curious about what led them there. I am slowly figuring out what life changing decisions I’ve made that play big roles in who I am today, but I wonder about others.
So, share with me. To all of my amazing readers, what are some important decisions you’ve made in the past that you believe play a major role in who you are today? What choices are you proud of making? What choices do you wish you’ve made differently? What are some choices or opportunities that you WISH that you would have taken? Leave a comment and let me know, I’d love to learn about how others view life.
After the first day he hit me, things had seemed to have gotten better. He stopped talking to other girls, he’d take me on surprise dates, bring me lunch and flowers to school, things seemed to be back to how they were in the beginning. We were happy again. For the next two months, things were perfect.
A little detail, our relationship pretty much had the stereotypical gender roles. He took care of me, and I took care of the house. One day, he had to work late and didn’t have a great day. While he was gone, I was working on a project for school. I lost track of time and forgot to start dinner. Bryan did not like coming home to dinner not being ready or the house being messy, that was something I knew from the beginning. As he pulled into the driveway I realized I forgot to make dinner, but I thought he would understand since I was doing my schoolwork. It wasn’t a big deal, we could just go get something or order some pizza. Well, Bryan didn’t see things that way, he got angry and felt that I was taking advantage of his kindness. This time, he didn’t hit me just once, and I honestly couldn’t give an estimate of how many times he did. But again, he made me believe that it was my fault, that I deserved it.
I woke up the next morning in so much pain and I had bruises all across my body. I didn’t go to school that day and I never to this day told anyone what happened. After that, the physical abuse became more and more frequent, and eventually it got to the point that he was hitting me almost everyday for the slightest reasons. I became used to it, I lost myself in the abuse, and I became weak.
In every situation, he and I would both find some reason that it was my fault that he hit me. I loved him so much that I’d make an excuse for everything he did. Each time I would look at my promise ring and tell myself, he still hasn’t broken his promise, he was still taking care of me and he still loved me. And besides, even though we had a lot of bad times, we also had plenty of great times in between. I had trained myself to believe that as long as he continued to take care of me financially, everything else was ok because he was doing his part as the man. That way of thinking hurt me as the abuse continued for over a year.
After 2 and a half years with him, I was finally getting tired of the pain. Why did someone who was supposed to love me hurt me so much? I was finally ready to leave him, but I knew from experience how dangerous that could be. At that point, I thought that there was only one way out. I didn’t think that I’d leave the relationship with my life so I made a choice, either he would take it, or I would. I refused to give him that power over me, so the next time he hit me, I took a handful of pills hoping to overdose. He saw what I had done and quickly shoved his fingers into my mouth to make me throw it up. That is the one thing that I will be forever thankful for. But that only made him angrier. He hid his anger that night and made me believe that he was sorry for pushing me to that point, but the next day things went right back to how they were.
About a month later, I was determined to try again, I couldn’t take it anymore. This time, I waited until he was gone at work, it was about 2-3pm. I had a bottle of prescription narcotic pain killers, so I took a series of handfuls until I finished all of the pills.
This next part of the story is based on what I was told. Bryan had gotten home from work at about 6pm to find me unconscious on the floor with the pill bottle next to me. He immediately went into a panic and tried to wake me up and make me throw it up again, but I wouldn’t wake up. So Bryan then rushed me over to the hospital where they had to pump my stomach. The hospital staff and Bryan contacted my mother who came to the hospital right away.
Two days later, I finally woke up. I was so confused waking up in the psych ward of the hospital, but I was happy to find my mother sitting on the side of my bed. No one knew why I tried to take my own life, by this point Bryan was careful to not leave bruises or marks on my body so there were no signs of abuse. As soon as I was going to explain to my mother, Bryan came into the room and hugged and kissed me as if everything was fine. He didn’t want anyone to suspect him of anything, so he remained by my side everyday as the loving, devoted boyfriend.
After some time in the hospital and proving my mental stability, I was ready to be discharged from the hospital. When asked if I had someone to take care of me for a few days at home, I immediately gave my mothers name. I refused to leave with Bryan because I could only imagine what he would have done once we got home, so I made clear to everyone there that I would be leaving with my mother. That day is among one of the best of my life.
Bryan knew that me not going home with him was the end of us. So when I left with my mother, I gave him a nice passionate kiss, whispered how much I loved him but it was over, and I have never seen or spoken to him since. I left everything I had at his house, I had no clothes or anything but it didn’t matter to me, I was finally free. It took quite some time, but the pieces of my life are finally putting themselves back together and I have finally learned who I am.
Although I went through a lot of pain to learn this, I am glad to now know that love does not hurt. If someone is able to raise their hand to you, that is NOT love! I’ve finally figured out what I deserve and I learned my worth. I know that I’m still alive for a reason and I have a purpose on this earth, I also know that one day I will have a love that is pure and kind. To this day, this is not an easy topic for me to talk about. But I hope that this possible reaches a reader who is going through something similar. Death is NOT the only way out, and you can talk to someone about what you are going through. There is help out there for you, and there are people who have been through the same thing as you.
You are STRONG, you are WORTHY, and LOVE DOES NOT HURT!
Anyone who has never been in an abusive relationship may never understand why a victim stays with their abuser. I know this because I was the same way at a time. “Why won’t they just leave,” or “it must not be that bad if you stay.” Well, it’s much deeper than that and it is not as simple as it seems. Also, abuse is not always just physical, there is emotional, verbal, and mental abuse as well.
Let’s take it back a bit, about 6 years back to be exact. I was preparing for my 16th birthday and was about to finish up my sophomore year of high school, and it was then that I met Bryan. Bryan was the first person to catch and keep my interest since my breakup with George. I was very hesitant at first, but he was good friends with my cousin who convinced me to give him a chance.
It didn’t take long for Bryan and I to become a couple. He created an image of man in my mind that I never expected to have, in a good way. Bryan was a few years older than me, he had recently turned 19 and had already accomplished so much. A couple of weeks after we met, he helped me celebrate my 16th birthday in the most glamorous of ways. He made surprise dinner reservations at a fancy restaurant that required us to dress up in formalwear, and he even went as far as to buy me a beautiful dress and heels to wear there after paying for me to get my hair done as well.
That night set the tone for our relationship; very flashy, money spent like it was nothing, always surprising me with “just because” gifts, frequent trips, he even gave me the keys to his second car (a BMW) when I got my license, and eventually the BMW was upgraded to a Porsche. Needless to say, he spoiled me. Bryan made me feel like a woman, he made me feel loved, he made me feel like a princess.
I fell in love with Bryan, and I believe he fell in love with me too. He had become my best friend and showed me everything that life could be. I looked up to him and had so much respect for him as a person and as a boyfriend. After 8 months together, I was ready to take our relationship further, I was ready for intimacy. One evening, we went out to dinner and a movie, and I was already planning on spending the night at his house afterwards. Once we got home, we went to bed and began to cuddle. I started to kiss him and asked if he was ready to be my first. That night was amazing, I had given my virginity to a man whom I loved so much who treated me so well, and it was so much better than I thought it would be. Bryan made love to me, he made every inch of my body feel appreciated, he made me feel safe. After that, there was no doubt in my mind that I would spend my life with Bryan. On our 1 year anniversary he gave me a promise ring, his promise was to always love and take care of me, and I moved in with him. We were the couple that everyone aspired to be, all of my said that as long as we were together, they had hope that real love existed.
Unfortunately, I would soon learn that everything that glitters is not always gold.
A few months after our one year anniversary, I was shattered to learn that Bryan cheated on me. He had sex with another girl. I couldn’t believe it, how could the man that I thought loved me so much do this to me? When I talked to him about it I broke down, I had invested so much of myself into him and I wasn’t ready to throw that away. After days of him apologizing and showering me with gifts promising he’d never do it again, I decided to try to make things work. That was my first mistake, and little did I know, this was the beginning of a downhill battle.
The cheating continued and only got more frequent. It seemed like everyday I was finding out about another female he was texting and sometimes even more than that. But at the time, I was young and dumb, so I always stayed or went right back to him. One day, about 18 months into our relationship, things got really bad after finding out that he was texting another female that he had previously cheated with. We had never been in such a heated argument, so this time, I started to pack my clothes and I told him I was done and I was going to go back to my mothers house.
That didn’t sit well with him at all, so when I tried to leave out of the bedroom to head out the door, he threw me on to the floor and demanded that I stay. He stood over me with his fists balled up and I was terrified. I asked him to please let me leave, and as I tried to get up from the floor, he slapped me across my face knocking me back onto the floor. This was the first time that he had ever hit me. I laid there on the floor in shock with tears running down my face, and Bryan immediately picked me up, sat on the bed, pulled me on his lap, and hugged me very tight. It was like even he couldn’t believe what he had done. All that he kept saying was how sorry he was and that he loves me so much, over and over and over again, and he was crying with me. I sat on his lap frozen and in shock, I could not stop crying and as much as I wanted to run away from him, I couldn’t even make myself move.
“Taylor, I’m so sorry. I love you so much and I just couldn’t imagine losing you. Please don’t leave me.”
I was still crying, and as I lifted my hand to wipe the tears off my face, I caught myself staring at my promise ring. As I began fiddling with the ring, he grabbed my face, kissed the side that he hit, and then kissed me on the lips.
“I promised that you would always be taken care of and always be loved, haven’t I kept that promise? You do know I love you, right?”
Now, from the outside looking in, and even looking back now, I know that I still should have left him. But at the time, I had such a mix of emotions and thoughts running through my head. He was right, he did take care of me, I never wanted for anything because even before I had the chance to want or need something, he’d get it for me. And he had to love me if he was still with me after all this time and since he did so much for me. Either way, it was my fault that he hit me because I was trying to leave, I shouldn’t have went through his phone anyway, right?
For all of my self-respecting ladies, I’m sure you’ve had the one “love of your life” who left you because you wouldn’t give up your virginity. Well I have too, as mentioned in a previous post (http://wp.me/p8kNRG-o ) . But there is much more to the story than where I ended things, and I think that if I’m going to tell a story, I should tell the entire thing. So here we go…
When George sent that heartless text message, it left me shattered. But the heartache didn’t end there. I saw George at school the next day. We weren’t in the same grade so we didn’t have any classes together, but I always saw him at breakfast, lunch, and in the halls because we’d plan it out that way. But this day, I saw him more than ever even though I was trying to avoid him like the plague.
The first time I saw him, I tried not to let him see me so I speed walked to the nearest bathroom. It didn’t work, as I was walking I to the restroom I heard him yell out my name, “Taylor can we please talk?” I pretended I didn’t hear him and continued on my way. I was too hurt, I couldn’t bear to look at him without getting upset, so I knew that I wouldn’t be able to talk to him without breaking down and flooding the school with my tears.
Throughout the day we saw each other more times than I can count, and each time he would give me a little half smile and a wave, but I never acknowledged him. I somehow managed to go the entire day without talking to him, and I continued to ignore his text messages “apologizing” for hurting me.
By the next week, I learned that he was now dating the same girl who was supposedly just his “best friend” while we were together, Kayla. This was the same girl who would always tell me how great she thought George and I were together, and swore that she had no deeper interest in him at a time that I started hearing rumors that she did. Looking back now, I know that I shouldn’t have been shocked or hurt at all, but I was only 15 and thought I could trust what people told me.
How could he have moved on so soon if he really loved me? Why Kayla of all people? Was she giving him the one thing I didn’t? There was a point where I even blamed myself for “losing” him. Why didn’t I just have sex with him? I loved him, right? So what stopped me? Everyone else in my grade was sexually active, so why was it such a big deal to me?
Now let me pause the story for a minute to throw this out there. To all young girls who may be reading this, CHERISH YOUR BODIES! Do NOT do anything that you are not 10000% certain that you’re ready to do. If you have to take a minute to think about it, you’re not ready. If you find yourself second guessing the decision, you’re not ready. If you are not prepared to deal with the possible results of that decision, YOU ARE NOT READY! Please please please do not let a lustful man make you question your worth and please do not allow yourself to confuse lust with love. If you can not yet differentiate the two, again, you are not ready.
Now back to the story. I confronted George about the rumors of him being with Kayla, and after trying to deny it for a while, he admitted that it was true. He told me that he was only with her because she kept asking and he didn’t want to reject her and lose his best friend. This was my first time speaking to him since he broke up with me in that text message, so my emotions got the best of me and I ended up cursing him out. I’m so glad I did, because that was exactly what I needed to close that open wound. After that, I was able to leave my hurt in the past and move on with my life. For years George tried to get me back, telling me how much he missed what we had and how he messed up. But I was done, there was no second chance after hurting me the way he did.
Waking up early in the morning to my 19 month old baby girl climbing all over me saying “Thank you Mom” with a jello cup in her hand. And she’s now blowing my face from about two inches away. This is the story of my life, lol.
As much as I HATE mornings, and as sleep deprived as I may feel, I love this life. I love being woken up by a beautiful, sweet little Princess everyday. It is like watching myself from a time machine because I see so much of myself in her. Not just how she looks, but her personality is a mini me.
My daughter is my motivation, she is the only reason that I still have ANY fight left in me to do this thing called life. I look back to before having her and think how crazy I was for ever saying I didn’t want kids. Motherhood is a complete joy. As I begin to go deeper into my life story in posts to come, you will soon learn how, even though she came at a young age with many complications, it was exactly when I needed her and she is the only reason that I’m still alive.
To my world, KMC, Mommy loves you as you already know so well. And I will go to the ends of the earth for you. Good morning all.💖
For about two months now, I have been dating a new guy named Jr. Now, Jr is 6 years older than me, I am 22 and he’s 28. In many ways, he and I together would be seen as the “perfect couple” from the outside looking in. And honestly, even with the complicated terms of our relationship, I would agree that we are.
But, no one who knows us knows that this was initially supposed to be a one night stand, lol. We met on a dating app and he is honestly the first and only man I’ve met on an actual dating site. If we’re being completely honest, I went on there for some rebound sex. I had just gotten out of a relationship with a live-in boyfriend three months earlier and I went from having sex whenever I wanted, to not at all.
When I met Jr, I told him immediately what my intentions were. I was not looking for anything serious and I wasn’t ready for a relationship, I just wanted some good sex one time, no strings attached, and never have to see him again if I chose not to. He understood and obviously had no problem with that. So one day we finally met up to somke with each other and… you know.
That night, I met him at a bar. It was our first time meeting in person so I made it a point to meet in a public place for my safety. We stayed there until I felt comfortable enough to leave with him and was pretty sure he wasn’t a serial killer! Lol. We smoked some weed together and went to his house. While we were smoking, we had AMAZING conversation and immediately clicked on a level deeper than either of us planned or expected at the time, but the plan for a one night stand still stood on my end.
Once we were at his house we started watching the basketball games that were on tv and he eventually started to kiss me. Here’s where it gets good. The way he kissed me gave me a feeling that I had never thought was possible without sex (yet). We had a physical chemistry that was unmatched, and I came just from his lips touching mine. He kissed every inch of my body and I was so ready for things to go further. But guess what this man does? The drinks and pot caught up with him and Jr PASSED OUT!
At first I thought it was a joke, I met this man and went back to his house with the known intentions of having sex, and he falls asleep? What was I supposed to do? He was laying on me so I could barely move, and by then I was extremely turned on! I ended up letting him sleep for about 15 minutes as I finessed my way from underneath him. I was deciding on if I just wanted to leave or not, but something told me to wake him up so that is what I did.
I woke him up and the only thing I said was “fuck me.” He smiled and immediately threw me down on the bed and went down on me until I came twice. After that, he gave me the BEST sex I’d ever had in my life! We literally kept going round for round until the sun came up. I ended up staying there until the afternoon of the next day.
When it was finally time for me to leave, he kissed me so passionately and said he needed to take me on a real date. That night, he did just that. He took me to a very nice restaurant where we had an amazing time and then we hung out afterwards with no sex. Now, two months later, I have spent nearly every day with Jr, met his family, and he has even met my family and my daughter. He has become the only person I think to call when I’m upset, and the first person I want to call when I’m happy.
Who would have thought that a “one night stand” would turn in to all of this? Has anyone else had a one night stand turn in to something way more? Comment, I would love to know!
I know I haven’t posted in awhile, but at this point I have no readers anyway so it doesn’t make a difference. I have been dealing with a lot ranging from a breakup, to health issues, surgery, the start of a new relationship, starting a new job, and of course, motherhood! All of which I will get into in another post.
But I want to continue posting (more frequently) in case one day I get even one reader who can relate to, or learn from my stories. FYI, all the stories I post on here are/will be 100% true! If there is arare occasion that I want to post a fictional story, it will be made very clear. But my goal is to be one of the few people on the internet who hold nothing back and speak with absolutely NO FILTER! So that is exactly what I’ll do.
To my future readers, feel free to comment ANY thoughts, questions, or concerns, ask for advice, or even ask for stories of life events that I may have experienced. I will do my best to keep at this and answer every comment. Love you all!😘